I jolted out of bed, my eyes raced from side to side, I clutched the sheets so tightly the tension in the fabric was leaving marks in my skin. I felt my chest rising and falling rapidly, the room was still yet my thoughts were racing around in it. I felt like I was trying to catch them, grab them, stop them from running away from me. Giving up on subduing them, in a faint and defeated voice I whispered, " What's the point in catching them anyways. I most likely don't want to know what they are anyways. I know they will make me cry." And just as the last soft note left my lips, as if they found a megaphone in the middle of the room, the thought came crashing down on me brought to life, like a huge wave in the ocean crashing over me forcing every last bit of life air out of my lungs and filling me with water. I couldn't breathe I was gasping for air now, drowning in my own tears and sadness. "WORTHLESS. YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE ON THIS EARTH. WORTHLESS!" I just laid in my bed and cried, but like never before. This pain came from my inner depths this dark dark place I never knew I had. A deep curdling cry barreled out of me, out from my soul. My bones rattled from the power and from this pain.
What seemed like hours upon hours tears poured down my face. I was drowning in my sadness, no light to guide me out of this deep dark hole I found myself in. There were no words, just sounds, these primative sounds leaving my body one foot at a time like soldiers marching to a drummers beat.
I was all alone, I was always alone, no one was ever around when I needed them. I started consoling myself the only way I knew how. Rocking back and forth, my arms around me now, my only comfort and shelter. I started calming down little by little, finally the room was not spinning anymore and I found my balance once again.
Eventually you decide enough is enough. For what ever reason, your children, your life, your last name, whatever it may be. But how come you never just do it for you, simply because you value yourself. How come we are never strong enough to put ourselves first because without self there's nothing that can follow. We all know this we say it to the next girl in need of a helping hand without a thought or care of ourselves. Why is that? You get tired of the name calling, the beating, the cheating, always I mean always being your fault. Another ridiculous excuse that pathetic person uses to continue on doing what they do as if G-d had given them a pass.
I finally grew strong enough. I finally decided I wanted more for me and more for my children. Because I don't want my son thinking this is how you treat a woman. Because you look at the beautiful daughter G-d blessed you with, how powerful and strong she is and how you pray that evil will never see her doorstep.
You finally learn that loving yourself is the most powerful thing you can do. So that you can live another day to support those in need and be there for every moment of your children's lives.
I thank G-d he spared me and mine. I pray every day for the man who hurt me. I have long since forgiven him for his actions because someone made him that way.
So please if you are reading this and you need help just reach out we are here. We do care. When enough becomes enough.... We are here. G-d put us where we are needed to help you.