I sat alone in an empty room. All I could hear was life outside happening all around me and it dawned on me.... Would anyone realize if I just wasn't there anymore. I didn't mean it in the sense of being dead, I meant it as though had I made my mark in this world? Had I made a large enough dent, a positive one, in the lives of people that mattered to me? Just because I loved them didn't mean that their love would be reciprocated. Right?
The room seemed to get smaller and smaller, darker, the air thicker and the comforting sounds that I heard from outside seemed to be getting farther and farther.... Now only my heartbeat. I was alone with myself and I hated it. I had nothing to say to myself. No questions to ask. No words of comfort as I could feel my anxiety rapidly taking over my soul. How come I can comfort my friends, but all I want to do now is laugh at myself. I felt as if I was against myself, but why would that be?
So it got me thinking about my life, my choices, my decisions and my actions for and against those I considered my friends. Did I always make decisions that were self-less or self-ish? And then I thought... What if I could meet the myself of 40 years from now?! Would I recognize her? Would I be happy with my accomplishments? Would I like who she was? What would she, well I, say to myself?
So after I settled down from my existential moment I decided to devise a sort of checks and balances for my life. I chose to sit down with my rabbi, my family and boyfriend. I would ask them each the same questions about myself and from then on every five years try to ask them the same questions to see if I was still on track, way off base, or just a little lost.
For over a month I fought with myself. I came up with over 100 questions that I thought were good enough, only to scream and remove them the following day. It couldn't be so hard.... I was overthinking this.... (side bar)
I never really had the blessing of knowing my grandparents on either side and because I moved here from South Africa when I was ten I didn't have anyone with elderly experience to help guide me in the right direction. Asking my parents was out, as we all know most kids really can't to wrong in their parents eyes. And it's the exact opposite with your siblings... So now I'm left with boyfriend and good friends and I just didn't think they would be capable of understanding my crazy idea simply because of years of knowing me, etc. And according to them I go through these crazy ordeals almost on a daily basis.. so who is left!? Ah yes my Rabbi...how perfect. Someone who taught me my belief system, would be scholarly enough to make me dig much deeper and someone who knew me just enough to keep it more "professional".
After a long meeting here we're the questions we decided were of greatest importance. And yes to date I meet with everyone on my list every five years to do a self check self awareness.
Who do you look up to and why?
What has been your biggest challenge and your biggest success in your life thus far?
What does your life say about you up until now? Are you proud of your accomplishments or have you been failing miserably? When do you decide to ask for help?
Ask your friends and family to describe you. How does that make you feel?
What is the one thing you would change if you could go back in time?
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I hope this has made you think about who you are. Who you want to be. What kind of a role model you want to be for your children or children to be. What kind of sibling, wife or husband, or even worker you plan to mold yourself into.
I would love to get some feedback and comments about your travels down this path. Your self discovery whatever. Thanks again for reading.